roller coasters....

People change their minds all the time....  they make one decision and then another... it's is most profoundly true in marriages that are destined 'not' to make it... just how many times will the couple reconcile or when will they put to end to it all?

  

I know that I put my mother through hell back in the 70's...  I married someone she just didn't like, and quite honestly 'he' didn't put much effort in making any ties with her at all.  Most of the time he was 'himself' 'like it or leave it'~ which was rude and occasionally explosive. 

In my juvenile attempts to portray a 'happy home' I conveyed the message to her that I needed her support, and bless her, she tried.  LOL, sometimes through gritted teeth, but she tried.  Maybe until the first time he hit me... and maybe even after that... sigh....  when I think of what I put my mother through for those 8 years...  there were times that I didn't call her as often as I should have... those were the worst times.  Because I wanted to call, but it would only be bad news about the relationship, I know [now] how I stressed her out.

I gave her a grandchild during those years ~ turns out the only one she ever got ~ and it became her mission to put up with the 'father' to have access to her grandson, and she did. Mom was a trooper and a strong one at that.....    And she was a life saver for me, for during the darkest hours she kept the boy with her, so I could battle the demon himself.

I know now what she went through, the agony of feeling like she 'lost' her daughter... the uncertainty of every encounter as a family, the misery she mush have felt and the tears she probably spent.   I'm guessing that Karma came back to kick me in the butt for what I did to my mom.... and I've told Karma that I know what I did and I hope that all the good years afterwards, and there were so many, made up for it, I do know I tried.....

...because now... my son and his wife have split up.  A short marriage, spent mostly on egg-shells for my son, is over.  Am I tempting fate by writing this ~ while things are still unofficial? I hope not!  I've cried tears over the feeling that I had 'lost' my son, imagining [while then unconfirmed] when his too long silences gave me the sense that things were not right, not happy, not good....  and I was my mother.... all over again....

When I offered love and respect and family and friendship to my new DIL and no bond was required from her, rebuffed... I was my mother....

When I thought, I have to stay silent, and enjoy what little parts of them or him,  I may get.... I was my mother....  and I cried....

'She' moved out of their apartment during the Christmas break while he was visiting with us, it affected him with a profound emotional and physical reaction, even though it had been decided before he came to visit.  I think that my son [like me] always felt that things would get better.  I applaud her for being enough of how ever you would want to describe it, to make the decisions that have followed.  I think my son would have given it another try....  but NOW he is good with it, her moving out, getting legalities under way, reclaiming his space and his life, building his future.... I am so happy they are not going to ride the 'change my mind' carousel, which is always a poor choice....

And am I tempting fate? No, I don't think so....  the other day, soon to be ex DIL put me on her 'restricted' list on f/b, not quite gutsy enough to delete me! lol....  I am waiting for that....  so I equally 'restricted' her [so she has no access to my photos] and I restricted her mother too....   and you know what? after the visit that was so awful in May, the visit that left me crying for months,  I feel such a sense of relief, I know my mom is smiling down for me....